A Little Person, a Pirate, and a Diabetic

Girl's night out was a totally weird evening ... fun, but totally and completely weird! There were only three of us this time M, S, and me. I knew the evening was off to an interesting start when S said, "A blond, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar. Hey! We're the beginning of a dirty joke!" And then crazy stuff just started happening.

We walked into the first establishment of the evening and immediately saw a little person. Now that is not crazy, nor weird, but after about an hour he came to our table and sat his drink down. He was trashed ... completely and totally three sheets to the wind, could barely stand up, in fact. Typically on girl's night, my friends and I are very ... how is the polite way to say this ... unfriendly to gentlemen that approach us. We are there to have a good time together, to catch up, to laugh and dance, and basically bond in the way that only good female friends can. We don't want to be bothered with cheesy pick up lines and we aren't polite about letting encroachers know that.

Anyway, this guy was so drunk that we felt bad for him. He was there alone and asked if he could talk to us for a bit until his friend got there so we said sure. When he opened his mouth, I noticed that he was missing his 2 front teeth and the rest of them were covered in some horrible slimy looking stuff. Now, I am a total teeth freak and brush mine about 6 times a day. One thing I have a hard time looking at are gnarly teeth and the slime ... don't get me started. So, when I saw his teeth, I could hardly look at him and gave him S's name. He leaned across me to shake her hand and, I kid you not, told her that he would LOVE to go home with her that night! All right, you're done ... you are outta here. S tried to take her hand back but he wouldn't let go. She finally jerked her hand out of his grasp and his arm immediately became glued to my err ... umm ... girls! I jerked back and his arm followed. He was pissing me off so I shoved his arm and he fell down. He picked himself up and walked out the door.

As if beating up a little person wasn't Twilight Zone enough for the evening, the next thing I saw was a pirate walking in the door. No joke, a guy in a full fledged pirate outfit, complete with red tricorn hat and long curly black wig. I have no idea why he was dressed as a pirate, nor do I care, but the fact that I had beaten up a little person and then saw a pirate was enough to decide we should head to another establishment for the evening.

We headed to another place, thinking we would dance and have a typical girl's night for the rest of the evening. Ohhhhhh no! The first thing we saw in this place was a man stumbling and crashing to the ground taking the shot girl with him. The cops came over and began questioning him. He seemed sober. The paramedics arrived in a big fire truck and started talking to him. It turned out he was diabetic or hypoglycemic, something like that, and needed food.

So after hearing this, we decided we were hungry and would get a bite to eat and head home, making it the earliest closing of a girl's night ever. We walked into a restaurant and after sitting there for 20 minutes, we flagged someone down and asked who our server was. This very snarly woman came over and we ordered food and Diet Cokes. After another 20 minutes, we were still waiting for our drinks and I was salivating over a hamburger that a guy at the bar is eating and I started trying to subliminally (sp) get him to offer us his food. "Hamburger boy, that's right, I'm talking to you. You want to share your burger. Just throw us some fries! We're fine with that." Needless to say, it didn't work. I think he heard me chanting and M and S laughing but he just ignored us ... sigh.

Finally, we got our drinks. After another 20 minutes, we noticed an older couple in a booth and the woman was so trashed that she was propping her head in her hands and falling over. I, of course, decided that I must meet them. (Let me just say that I think the hunger was affecting my brain!) I walked to their booth and sat down and started talking to them. M and S just stared at us wondering what the heck I was doing. I saw our waitress bring our food so I excused myself, told them they were a lovely couple and to get home safe, and headed back to our table. Not 5 minutes later, the guy walked over and sat with us.

He said that he was really touched that I would take the time to introduce myself to he and his girlfriend and that no one has ever told them they were a lovely couple before. I jokingly said, "You are a lovely couple but don't get any weird ideas." He said, "What?" and looked really odd. S said, "OMG! You came over here hoping to get a threesome." He said, "Actually a fivesome." ... and he wasn't joking!

Then I just got irritated. All I wanted was a fun girl's night with a couple of smart and funny women ... and what I got was a no-tooth, leacherous little person, a pirate, a diabetic, a horrible waitress, a deaf hamburger boy, and a freak. Basically, a circus! When I get irritated, I get smarmy and sarcastic. Not a good thing to be when you're hungry!

I began giving this guy the worst time he has probably ever had in his life and M and S jumped in. I told him that S's name was Beatrice and she was a giant floozy that had slept with over 100 men and that she would probably jump at the chance to go home with him and his girl but she was waiting on the results of her latest genital warts outbreak to subside. S just looked at me and said, "Beatrice! My name is Beatrice?!" M said, "Hey B, when will you be good to go again? You could get their number."

Then I introduced M as Nelle and let our uninvited pervert know that she had a 6 month old to support, had lost her job, and was looking for a sugar daddy to support them. M agreed that it was really hard being a single mother but that her baby's daddy would be out of prison soon so she only needed someone for a few months. Then I said that I would definitely go home with them but that my typical rate was $3500 an hour and I didn't accept personal checks. (Is that too high?) He began hemming and hawing and finally left our table after S began listing the various STDs that she had contracted in her many encounters with men. He and his girlfriend left the restaurant quickly after that.

And that was our girl's night! Sorry for the length but the night was just too strange to not share all the details!