7 Things

And here is the list of 7 things that James requested I do and that I tagged on another blog ... not sure how to insert link, sorry!

7 things to do before I die:
1. Dance naked on a beach in Fiji
2. Stop caring what my family thinks
3. Quit my job in a blaze of glory
4. Write a book
5. Live improv comedy
6. Quit smoking
7. Fill up my passport

7 things I can do:
1. Sing
2. Play guitar
3. Random acts of kindness
4. Laugh daily
5. Tell my family to back off on the marriage issue ... and I do, over and over and over!
6. Make my friends smile
7. Talk to strangers easily

7 things I can't do:
1. Sky-dive ... they wouldn't let me because of my back ... sigh
2. Pretend I'm not bothered by what other people think
3. Stop being a pack rat
4. Give up on people, believe the worst
5. Stop reading
6. Talk on the phone for hours
7. Not be paranoid. I know "the man" is watching!

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. Honesty
2. A great laugh
3. Smiles
4. The ability to relax when needed and get crazy when needed
5. Good communication skills
6. Being able to keep a secret
7. Loves animals

7 things I say most often:
1. F*ck
2. Are you kidding me?
3. Have the animals been fed?
4. Is there any diet coke left?
5. Wanna go to the bookstore?
6. Seriously?
7. I'll come to bed soon.

7 celebrity crushes:
1. Vince Vaughn
2. Orlando Bloom (but only as the elf)
3. Brooke Burke
4. Kevin Spacey (I LOVE his voice)
5. Jimmy Fallon
6. Johnny Knoxville
7. Eugene Levy (What can I say? It's weird but I dig him.)

7 people I'd like to do this list:
1. Hope
2. Sherri
3. Jon
4. Linny
5. Adrian
6. Madman
7. Lookingbusy

Monster Shopping Cart

Remember the shopping cart we got for my friend to use for jello shot dispensing? Well, we are decorating it on Wed. night. Sadly, we couldn't find anyone with a welding kit so it's strictly a makeover. Not totally sure how it will turn out but I will post pictures when the "build" is complete.

Tech boy update: I know you have been anxiously awaiting the play by play of his dinner (input sarcastic tone here) but I dodged tech boy in the hall today. I almost got caught but turned around and ran into the mailroom to avoid him ... just no time for a long winded story today. I can tell you that he shaved off his goatee and now looks totally weird. His chin completely disappeared. Poof!!

No time to write much but wanted to quickly post. Happy Monday!

"A" is for Accomplishments and Angela's Irritations

Things I am proud of this week:

During a conference call, when the speaker began saying ummm ... so much that it was all I could hear ( in 15 minutes, I counted 135 ummmms,) I resisted the urge to begin gargling my diet coke to drown out the sound of her voice.

When a co-worker stood over me and forced me try a bite of the cake she made and brought in to share, I didn't vomit and yell, "This tastes like feet!" I chewed it, swallowed it without gagging, thanked her politely, and tossed the rest in the garbage AFTER she walked away.

When tech boy ( the vote is in, he stays,) came to my desk and interrupted me in the middle of a major project that I was working on to say that he and the cheating wife were going to have dinner this weekend and to ask my advice on a good place to take her, I maintained eye contact and listened instead of using my scissors to stab him in the heart.

When my boss pulled everyone into the conference room for a "short" meeting that lasted an hour, I sat quietly and listened to what he was saying instead of pulling out my nail clippers and trimming my split ends in the hopes that that would speed him along.

And finally, the thing that made me the most proud today was that it was jeans day and I wore my Mullets: Business in the Front. Party in the Back. t-shirt. All I had to do was read it and I'd smile.

Happy Friday!

Tech Boy and Mediation

My boy told me not to write about tech boy anymore because it wasn't interesting at all but I just can't help myself. This guy's life is a train wreck and he's making me a sideshow freak, watching it all. Please, if tech boy posts suck, leave me a comment and let me know. I don't have to share the misery!

Anyway, he and the cheating wife got into a HUGE fight and the cops were called. They had to go to mediation or pay a large fine. She has bankrupted him so they opted for mediation. Apparently, she admitted in mediation that she would consider getting back together. Tech boy is thrilled about that but is worried that his mother won't accept it if they work things out. OMG!! His Mother?!! This guy has issues. 1) Why does he want to get back with a cheater? and 2) Why does he care what his mother thinks? He's got to be close to 50! I'm off my soapbox now.

Happy news ... my boy finally found a job after being laid off last year! Yeah!! And what a job it is. He's working at a marina on one of the lakes around here, driving and fixing the boats. It's perfect for him. I'm actually quite jealous. Right now, he's driving a 100 ft. party boat and is allowed to drink some beer (not get drunk,) swim, look at hot girls in bikinis, and hang out ... while he's getting paid!! It isn't fair. Whahhhhhh!!! I'm stuck in a freaking cubicle, losing my sight from staring at a computer monitor all day, dealing with obnoxious clients, getting carpal tunnel, talking to the walls because my co-workers are freaks, and watching roaches crawl out of my lunch!!

I must have been a bad, bad girl to deserve this. Maybe I pulled the wings off butterflies or ran over midgets to get my kicks in a past life! Sorry if the term midget offends you. I know the correct terminology is Little Person but I don't feel like being PC right now!

Happy Thursday!

Is it a rat or a dog?

I had to share this picture of the world's ugliest dog. Apparently, he's won the ugly title 3 years in a row. Yikes!! I think the only way you can kill this thing is to cut off its head and burn its heart!!

The Glass is Half Full ... Aww, Screw the Glass

It's been hell week so here are the things I'm proud of:

When my boss asked if I was attending "social hour" after work today, I politely declined instead of telling him I would rather eat my toe-nails than spend an extra second of my day with a group of people that have the personalities of raw sewage.

When my co-worker, and I use this term loosely because they do no actual work, asked me take on yet another of their projects, I accepted with grace rather than throwing my computer monitor over my cube wall and hoping that it hit them in the head.

When tech boy cornered me outside the bathroom again today (What? Does this guy own stock in Depends?) I resisted the urder to karate chop him and leave him for dead.

When a truck full of nasty men wouldn't leave me alone on the highway during rush hour and kept trying to get my attention by yelling, "Hey Mama!" and whistling, I resisted the urge to flip them off and politely smiled, rolled up my window, and exited at the first opportunity.

When my commute took almost 2 hours to get home today, I did not become filled with road rage and begin ramming other innocent commuters. I, instead, turned on a Bee Gees cd and sang along at the top of my lungs .... Jive Talkin'!

When my co-worker, again a loose term, asked me if I'd be willing to come in tomorrow and help on an account that isn't mine because they have no sense of time management, I didn't laugh and punch them in the face. I said, "Not really," smiled, and walked out the door.

And finally, when I found out that my mother didn't do any of the prep work for my youngest brother's college application before she went out of town for a month, I didn't call her up and tell her how completely irresponsible it was, especially considering the kid is a genius and has wanted to go to Annapolis since he was 12, and will someday rule the world. My boy called my brother and told him we would do whatever it took to get his application in on time, complete, and fabulous!

Happy Friday!!

Tech Boy Strikes Again!

Tech boy caught me outside smoking today. I made it past his office with a sheaf of papers, looking very important and busy, and thought I was safe. No such luck.

He went out with friends this weekend and tried talking to some woman. Apparently it didn't go well and he left without a phone number. Bummer ... she could have been my savior. Today, he asked for dating advice. I swear, I'm convinced that I must have been a really horrible person to someone at one time to keep getting bombarded with too much information from this guy.

Tech boy hasn't dated in many years and just droned on and on about how it has changed and the bar scene isn't the same as it used to be. All I kept hearing was the Peanut's teacher ... wah wah wah wah wah wah. I finally interruped him and said he should really think about quitting smoking because women find it unattractive ... at the same time I am hot-boxing my cig so I can run far, far away from him. He then started in for another 10 minutes on how the stress of his life caused the smoking to start again when he had quit years ago. Does nothing make this guy shut up?!!!

The next time he approaches me, I am going to start muttering under my breath and twitching at every sound. Maybe he'll think I'm crazy and leave me alone!

So Tired

Sorry it's been a few days. I am slammed at work this week. On an up note, one of my clients that killed me with a billion last minute projects sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers as a thank you. I still want to kill him though. I worked a 12 hour day today and will probably have to do it again tomorrow. Ergh ... I dislike my job enough that I don't want to be there any longer than I have to be each day!

We went out on a friend's houseboat this weekend. That was nice. We also went to a small club to listen to a local band. They weren't great. The kicker was that a friend I haven't seen in 2 years came to join us there and I was really looking forward to seeing him. The downside is that he has changed into a complete and total a**hole.

Our friends from Cabo came out along with the regular crew and my old friend was making rude comments and basically being a stuck up, pain in the a** snob the entire evening. My girlfriends filled me in on some of the things he was saying when I wasn't there and I am absolutely furious that he could be such a jerk to everyone around him! That friendship is no longer a viable option. I must say that I am amazed at how much a person can change in 2 years.

Well, I am exhausted and am off to bed. Have a great week!

Tech Boy and Mission Impossible

Feel like an update on tech boy and his marital problems? Neither did I. And the story begins ...

Tech boy's office is in the middle of a hallway near the restroom and on the way to the diet coke machines. It is ground zero, the one place that you have to pass unless you want to take the long way around, through an entire department full of people popping their heads over their cubes to see who is passing by. It looks like that wack-a-mole game any time you walk through and it makes me uncomfortable to have people staring at me, counting how many trips to the restroom I take or cigarette breaks I go on, beside the fact that I have made a conscious decision to speak to as few people in my office as I can manage every day because I, well, I just don't want to.

Anyway, to avoid tech boy cornering me and forcing me to listen to his problems, I have been taking the long route but I thought I was safe today. I thought tech boy was out of the office. I hadn't heard a single page for him all day. Ohhhhhh no, the minute I saunter by his office, tech boy, with his super-spidey senses, ambushes me! I was cornered again with no pencil in sight to begin stabbing out my eyes! As he was speaking, I began mentally pounding my head on the wall behind me, wishing with every fiber in my being that his tongue would begin to swell so he couldn't speak anymore. No such luck.

They are getting a divorce, the papers have been filed. He misses his family. He wants his wife back. He doesn't enjoy being single and is killing himself with thoughts of his wife and the soccer coach in bed. Umm ... yeah ... TMI!! Again, you are a hello acquaintence only!! It doesn't help matters that he sees this guy at the soccer games he attends, almost every weekend ... and by the way, his son scored the winning goal last weekend. I won't give you the play by play of the soccer action. At this point in his speech, I began making a list of the things I could sculpt out of SPAM and wondering if lighting my hair on fire would be enough of a distraction to make him quit speaking.

Blessedly, FINALLY!!, a page came over the intercom system for him. I was saved and the angel choir began singing!

So, now I have 2 options, 4 if you consider murdering him or hacking off my ears in the hopes that I will never hear his voice again options. I can either take the long route every time I leave my desk or I can invent an invisibility suit so I can sneak by tech boy's office undetected! Mission impossible, so I am stuck with the long walk and I HATE EXCERCISE! D*mn that cheating wife of his!!

Mullet and Singing Fun!!

I removed a kind of naughty potato picture because I was afraid it would offend some people. FYI ... it went with the My ding-a-ling portionof this post.




White trash karoke night rocked! We were the hits of the bar and had tons of funny stuff happen ... too much to list everything but here are the highlights:

My boy and I, without our knowledge, got signed up to sing a song neither of us really knew. There were lots of "Crap!" and "Holy F*ck!" coming out of my mouth but we got much applause. I think it was the costumes!

I learned how to two-step from an Okie biker. Yes, I do live in Texas but never learned the two-step ... and the biker licked my ear. I don't know what is up with that!!

My friend, Tania's, mother came and partied with us. That was a little stange but she's really fun and took shots with the best of us!

We signed up my boy to sing My Ding-a-Ling. He thought he was doing Macho Man. Hee hee!!

The waitresses told us it was the most fun they'd ever had working there and gave us tons of free drinks!!

My girlfriend, Andrea, received a proposition from an older gentleman at Denny's, our last stop of the evening, and was informed that he did have Viagra.

And, I ran into a guy I did a show with 2 years ago. It was nice to see him but wish I had looked a little more normal. Oh well!



Hope you enjoy the pictures. Happy Monday!

Stab Me in the Eye ... Please

Today was some kind of day ... whew!

It started all right but I was really tired. My boy and I went to the Jack Johnson concert last night and got home kind of late. Of course, when your brain is functioning at half speed, everyone wants a piece of you immediately!! OMG!! Let me finish my diet coke in peace first ... PLEASE!!!!!

Here's what really got to me though. I was walking down the hall to the restroom and I saw our tech guy. Keep in mind, my entire conversations with this man in 1 1/2 years have been, "How are you?" "I am fine." So, thinking this is a normal question, I ask, "How are you today?" Well, the floodgates opened and I was subjected to a 30 minute conversation about his marital problems.

Are you kidding me?!! So, because I suffered, unto you I pass the misery:

He thinks his wife is cheating on him with the kids' soccer coach.
She kicked him out of the house.
She didn't pay the mortgage for 7 months and he's just finding out about it.
He doesn't know why she is unhappy but she has changed so much, she isn't the same person anymore.
He tried to make her happy and loves her desperately and doesn't know what to do.

After his loooooooong winded story, I am about to die! I have to pee so badly that I'm hopping from foot to foot, flopping around like a fish out of water. At this point, there is no tact, no caring, and no understanding left in my body. I just want to pee ... NOW!!

I told him this:
Problems in a marriage are never one-sided. Have you thought about counseling?
It sounds like you are in a painful situation and I'm sorry for it but I don't know you or your wife well enough to offer advice.

He insisted he wanted it. Now, my eyes are rolling back in my head and I swear, I heard water dripping somewhere which was making the situation worse! I am clenching my teeth and fighting the urge to pee all over myself!! I'm pretty sure, at that moment, that I was in danger of dying of urine overload! My bladder was about to explode!!

Now I'm worried that I am going to be guru girl to this man, and his sounding board, as he sorts out his marriage. Not to be rude, but come on!!! I am not his friend. I don't want to be his friend. And frankly, I have enough to handle in my own life without caring what happens in his. Does that make me evil? Maybe, maybe not ... but it makes me want to stab myself in the eye 25 times with my pencil if I am to be subjected to his problems again.

Happy Thursday!

White Trash Karoke ... Here I Come!

My friend, S, invited me to go to some dive bar this Friday for karoke. She doesn't know it yet, but her comment of "Let's go do white trash karoke," has inspired my imagination to new heights.

I've gathered a small portion of our group of friends to hit the 2nd hand shops tomorrow to find FABULOUS outfits to wear. I have a nice streaky blond mullet wig from my best friend's "Best Little Wh*rehous in Texas" Halloween party (I went as a crack wh*re) to wear and now I just need some great clothes to go with it. As a last resort, I will wear one of the absolutely hideous bridesmaid dresses that I have been forced at gunpoint to buy for past weddings. I think one of those would look smashing with my wig and an elastic headband!

You have to understand that S is a very girly-girl. She's the perfect woman that never goes out in public without full make-up, perfect hair, and cute little outfits ... the kind of woman that, if she isn't a friend, you wish would get run over by a bus! Well, we aren't telling her that we are taking her literally with the white trash part and are planning to show up in full regalia, forcing her to sit with us all night. It will be so much fun!! I'll let you know how the search goes.

On another note, I am so NOT a cook but I made the most incredible dessert for my boy this weekend. Soapapilla Cheesecake ... yummy. It's a sinfully sweet, wonderfull, kill your diet kind of thing to eat but so simple to make. If you are interested, drop me a post and I'll share the recipe.

Happy Monday!