Funny Stuff to Start the Weekend

I'm just not feeling too creative so here are a couple of funny things I thought I'd share. Have you seen the Star Wars kid? It's a video clip of this drama kid that set up a camera and filmed himself fighting a battle. Somehow it got uploaded to the web and people added special effects. You have to watch the original first and my favorite is the drunken jedi master. Let me know what you think. I also included some questions and answers from kids. Some of them are wise beyond their years. Happy weekend!!

Star Wars Kid

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

( 1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is...

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Flooding in my Bathroom!!

Nothing like waking up in the morning to completely drenched carpet and water streaming through your bathroom. My boy was taking a shower and the toilet and bathtub just overflowed. It was like a freaking lake in there!!

Sadly, I let my home warranty run out so I called this morning and renewed the policy and then called a couple of hours later to get a plumber to come out. He's on his way and I will be flushing freely again soon!!

Good thing to come out of this day ... 1/2 day at work and NO TECH BOY!!

Happy Thursday!

Tech Boy - The Musical

Tech boy got me again today. When he was talking, it felt like a million, tiny ants were crawling around inside my head. And to top it off, he now has me trained like Pavlov's dogs. The minute I hear tech boy's voice, I immediately have to pee!! The only thing I could do was start humming so I wouldn't lose my mind. Na na na na ... na na na na ... hey hey hey ... goodbye! Sadly, although he asked what song I was humming, he didn't catch the goodbye reference but it did make me think.

I need an arsenal of tech boy goodbye or shut the f*ck up songs songs to hum every time he corners me. My theory is that subconsciously (sp) it will sink in that I don't want to speak with him anymore. Let me know if you have any good ones!

And ... Tag, I'm it. I was tagged by Sherri.

The Rules:

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag 5 other people to do the same.

Here is mine: I didn't flip off the ugly guy in the huge truck that cut me off driving in rush hour traffic from Ft. Worth to Dallas for work today. (I'm such a lady, aren't I?)


The five people I tag?

1. Linny
2. Zombie
3. Hope
4. Becky L
5. Abigail S

Have Fun!

Happy Wednesday!!

Life is Good!

Mondays are usually pretty awful but today wasn't so bad. I stayed up until about 2:45 reading a book this morning, stupid, and had to get up at 6:00 so I was quite tired but other than that, no problems.

Rita didn't hit us here ... nothing, nada. We didn't get a single drop of rain. Yeah!! And we found out that all of our families and friends are fine, some without power, but fine with no damage to humans, pets, or property.

We ended up being extremely irritable and bored by Saturday. The house was totally cleaned and spotless. In case power and water went out, we didn't want dirty dishes or carpets to add to the stress. A group of us headed to Bell Bottoms to have a few drinks and dance the night away. Usually, they have great cover bands but Saturday, they had a heavy metal cover band that you just couldn't dance to, but the dj played groovy dance music in between sets so all went well.

Crazy Old Dancing Guy was there. This man has been to the club every time we've been there and he is a hoot. He is 77 and dances with all the ladies. Sometimes it's swing dancing but usually he's out there busting out the moves from Pulp Fiction or Saturday Night Fever. I think he's into John Travolta. Anyway, the last time we went, I patted him on the bootie and this time he kept swinging his skinny little behind at me. He also came over and said he was engaged. I guess his lady doesn't like to dance because she wasn't there but how many 77 year olds do you know that do? He says the young uns keep him happy. Way to go, man! I love that guy!!

Nothing much else to say. Happy Monday!

I Didn't Bring Out the AXE!

Loooooong week. Even longer Friday. Things I am proud of today.

1) I didn't jump through the phone and tear off clients' heads when they called to ask whether or not their ads would be running due to Hurricane Rita. This was hard, really hard and a testament to my sweetness and love for my fellow man. LOL!! I have no sweetness.

2) When one of the transplants from our Houston office pulled up her chair and said, "So, now you can entertain me," I didn't strangle her with my telephone cord.

3) When a man cut in front of me at the gas station while waiting to fill up my tank, I didn't just run his *ss over. This was very hard and I had a strong visual going of him plastered to my front bumper. It made me smile. (I told you I have no sweetness!)

4) When I found out the vet bill for The Dude was over $100 just to shave his leg and give him some antibiotics, I didn't drive to the closest convenience store, rob it, and use that money to pay the bill. Keep in mind, I had just filled up my gas tank for $50 and spent another $100 on supplies in case that b*tch Rita knocks out power and water around here. Committing a robbery was very, VERY tempting!

5) And finally, when the above mentioned Houston transplant got into my mini-fridge at work and drank my last Diet Coke, I didn't staple her ear lobes to my desk. Again, this was also a struggle and took every fiber of my being to refrain.

Have a great weekend and for those of you in Rita's path, I wish you well.

Happy Friday!!

I'm Eeeeeevil!

All right, Hurricane Rita is bearing down on Houston with the possibility of it hitting the metroplex while still a Cat 1. People at my office are freaking out , making contingency plans for what to do if power is knocked out and the office is closed for 3 days next week. There is no way that the office will shut down for three days so I can sit on my couch, drinking a beer, and vegging out. I know it is probably bad of me to say, but I am really hoping the power at my office does go down because the thought of being home is pure bliss!

I didn't get a chance to speak with tech boy today. He was running around like he had a firecracker up his butt about to ignite, trying to get technology set up for our Houston branch people that are headed this way. Score 1 for Rita!

My boss asked all of us to make sure that our work is completed far enough in advance so that if we are out next week, there will be no issues with our clients' ads. Seriously folks, should you really care if your advertisements hit the post office if Houston is decimated by a hurricane? I say, chill the heck out!

I did take several frantic calls from people today worried about their ads and it was all I could do not to roll my eyes and ask if they were serious. Maybe this will result in bad karma for me ... a tree will probably crash through my house or something, but I really don't see it being that bad up here.

I'm more concerned about more evacuees headed this way. Crime has already jumped since the New Orleans folks hit the area and police are combing the shelters trying to find the missing sex offenders. Nice, huh?

I apologize if my attitude offends anyone but, quite frankly, I have had it with the crappy attitudes of entitlement, the laziness, and the problem people that have already moved this way. I heard a story today about someone using their $2000 FEMA card to buy diamonds! Are you kidding me?!! Why am I giving donations so someone can have some freaking bling bling?!!

Well, I have to head outside and put any loose items that could blow around up in the garage. Sorry for the negative energy but it's been a loooooong day.

Happy Thursday!

Hump Day ... Do the Humpty Hump

I can now officially begin counting down to the weekend! If you count the days, then hours, and then minutes until you can leave your office for 2 days, do you think that's a sign that you really should find a new job?

My lazy co-worker came in late today and will be off for the next 2. Hip Hip Hooray!! What this means is that I do not have to look perpetually busy when I've completed my work because I don't have to dodge lazy trying to give me some of their work. It gets to be quite frustrating because I can't stop and just think for a minute without a, "Can you help me with something?" or a "I'm so swamped. I really need to pass you some of my projects." Considering the fact that I work on one of our largest accounts and always have a "to do" list going, it just amazes me that lazy can spend 6 hours, and no I'm not kidding, cleaning out their archived e-mails and then complain about how they just don't have enough time to complete anything and need my help. At least, I can rest assured that I have kicked major butt this year and should be getting a nice raise!

Tech boy was out of the office for a day or two, I wondered why I hadn't seen him, but he snagged me today and said he really needed to speak with me. I blew past him and said, "On my way to a meeting. Gotta run!" I'm thinking that he will probably get me tomorrow so I am off to the store to buy that blowtorch and a can of Raid!

Happy Hump Day!

Another Day, Another Dollar

Has anyone else heard that electric prices will be rising 12% due to Hurricane Katrina and that natural gas will be going up 70%?!!! Those 2 increases, along with the super high gas prices are about enough to make me want to scream. My tanks of gas have jumped from about $35 to $50 per fill up already, and this while the oil companies are making record profits. How is a girl supposed to afford her shoe and book fetishes? Any ideas?!

Nothing really to report today. We didn't go see the cream corn wrestling, sadly. My back was messed up again all weekend so I basically sat on the couch drugged into a stupor by my muscle relaxers. Man, those things knock me the heck out and if you add a glass of wine or a beer ... forget about it. I am the reason they add the driving warnings to pills!

Sorry for the boring post but I have bills to pay and letters to write this evening. Happy Tuesday!

Tech Boy Interuptuss

I thought I'd try something new in my quest to avoid tech boy conversations today so I took a book outside to read while I smoked my cig. Unfortunately, tech boy ignored what any other polite person would see.

As I'm sitting in my chair, smoking my cig, scanning the pages of my book that I have been waiting 3 WHOLE WEEKS to receive from the seller on half.com, tech boy comes outside. It went something like this.

tb - Nice day today.
me -nod, not looking up
tb - Hope it rains.
me - nod, not looking up
tb - So, my church elders want to go and speak to cheater but I don't know if that's a good idea.
me - nod, not looking up
tb - I'm afraid it might upset her and cause more issues while we are trying to work things out.
me - nod, frowning, not looking up, thinking church elders? Do they know about the piercing?
tb - We're going to dinner this weekend again. Should I mention it to her and see what she says?
me - sighing ... How can I ignore an actual question without coming across as a total b*tch? I am great at passive/aggressive behavior, but not good at completely disregarding another person.

Soooo, I get dragged into another discussion with the most boring nemesis on the planet. He droned on and on and on about the church elders' possible visit, where to go to dinner, and whether or not to make a move on cheater. The whole time, I'm standing there glassy eyed, drooling, and wishing that I was sitting on my couch knitting a sweater out of my own hair because it has to be more fun that this!!

So, next plan ... I think it should involve a blowtorch and a can of raid!

Happy Thursday!!

Am I in an Alternate Universe?

Bizarro and strange. Those 2 words totally describe my day today.

1) I put a file on my lazy co-worker's desk for final input from that side and when I went to get it back, they said I didn't give it to them. The file was right there in front of me. I said, "It's right there in front of you." They picked up the file, placed it under a pile of papers and stated, "That isn't the file you gave me." I said, "Yes, it is." They said, "No, it isn't. That's another file." We went on like this for a few minutes with them refusing to show me the file or acknowledge that they had received it and finally I said, "I know I'm not on crack, are you?" They laughed it off like I was making a joke and then got up from their desk, grabbing the pile of papers, with the folder, and walked off to a meeting. I was astounded, absolutely amazed at the audacity and it really started to tick me off so I took their chair and put it in a conference room. Childish, yes. Satisfying, most definitely! I grinned the whole time they were looking for their chair and when they had to get another one and adjust it to their settings, complaining the whole time.

2) Driving under an overpass on the way home from work, I saw a hooker with a line of men waiting their turn while she finished with another one. Ewwww .... This is why prostitution should be legalized.

3) My dog won't stop humping on one of my shoes. No matter where I put it, he's on it. I finally gave up and decided he could have it. They aren't that cute anyway.

4) My mailman was late today and I saw him when I got home from work. He looks exactly, and I mean to a "T", like one of my brothers.

5) One of my friends text messaged me saying that she wants to try a threesome and would my boy and I be interested in letting her join in. I thought she was joking but when I spoke to her on the phone, it turned out she was dead serious. I had to explain that while I loved her to death, I had no interest in me or my boy seeing her naked. I advised her to hit one of the swinger's clubs in the area.

6) While driving down a back street to avoid some traffic, I passed an all nude bar with a sign that read "All Nude Cream Corn Wrestling - Saturday Night." Totally gross but I'm going to try and get a group of people to go. How can you not go see all nude cream corn wrestling if it's available?!!

Hope your day was better than mine! Happy Wednesday!

Let Freedom Ring!

Woo hoo!! My boy is out of town tonight so I get the house all to myself!! Don't get me wrong, I love my boy, but sometimes it is really nice to have complete and total aloneness where you don't have to hear anything but the sound of your own breathing. Ahhhhh .... the sound of silence. I'm not answering the phone if it rings and I'm only taking a couple of minutes to update my blog and then and I'm hitting the couch to order a pizza, drink my diet coke, and chainsmoke while I watch The Biggest Loser. Life is good!

Tech Boy cornered me at the office outside the bathroom again today. He has definitely got super-sonic hearing. Today I would not be deterred or put into pain as I hopped from foot to foot trying not to pee all over myself, so I interrupted his briefing on he and the cheater and excused myself. He, thankfully, didn't catch me coming out so I was home free. As I stated earlier, life is good!!

Happy Tuesday!

Monday, Monday

Man, I hate Mondays!! They are long and filled with crap you don't want to do and people you don't want to deal with. Thank goodness tech boy was out of the office today. I don't think I could have handled any of his little stories with the amount of work piled on my desk.

Not much to report other than that little rant. My boy is going to Houston to visit his mother tomorrow. We have a boat that we haven't used in forever and since we don't live on the lake anymore it's just sitting here going all to sh*t so he's giving it to his stepbrother as Christmas and birthday all rolled into one for the next couple of years.

For all you book lovers, I did find a new author while I was out sick last week. Her name is Kim Harrison. She has 3 books out and I just mowed right through them. And ... the next Diana Gabaldon book comes out on the 27th. I can't wait!!!

Nothing else to say. I've got bills to pay now so I'm keeping it short.

Happy Monday!

Big Bertha

Sorry guys, it's been a while since I posted. Last weekend was really busy and I have been out sick all week and haven't been on the computer at home. Below is a picture of Big Bertha, the shot dispensing cart that my girls and I decorated for T. It turned out pretty cheesy but was a huge hit. You can't tell in the picture but Bertha has a working horn and flashing headlights.

Well, I'm exhausted and going back to bed now. I'll try and post something more interesting this weekend, I promise.

Delete, Delete, Delete

I had to remove my picture off my profile because I was getting some very uncomfortable comments left on my blog about it. Honestly, do some men really think that women like comments that reduce them to slab of meat status? Ugh ...

Anyway, my girls and I began the shopping cart make-over on Wednesday night. We decided it needed a little more "bling" so I went shopping and A is coming over in a couple hours to make Big Bertha look fabulous! That's the working name we have right now. I'll post some pictures soon.

Have a wonderful and safe Labor Day weekend!!

Tech Boy and His New Piercing

Tech boy's cheating wife and he are trying to work things out. One of the things she's told him is that she needs a little spice in their life and that things were getting kind of stale and bland. Soooooo, tech boy went out and got a piercing. Where, you ask ... oh yes, on his unmentionables. Things are getting stale so you pierce your hoo-ha?

Again, WHY IS THIS MAN TELLING ME THESE THINGS?!!

I try to be nice, I really do, but it is getting harder and harder to listen to this man. He cornered me outside smoking again. I was DYING for a cig, absolutely freaking dying to have a few quiet moments to escape from my hectic desk and he busted me walking outside. As I took my first drag, he blurts out that he got his little man a new piece of jewelry. I immediately began choking. This is not something that I was expecting or wanting to hear.

As I'm gasping for air, tech boy droned on and on about their conversation and the events leading up to his brilliant p*nis-piercing idea, and the whole time I'm wondering, if I stab him with my cig, will he scream in pain or is he a masochist? I mean, why else would you let someone put a needle through your one-eyed willy? I locked myself in the bathroom after they pierced my first ear when I was 12!! There's not a chance in all of Hades that I would ever let someone go downtown with the intent to maim!! NO way!

I'm really hoping that his next story will not be about the infection that he gets! And that's all I have to say about that.